One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
You Might Also Like
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.