One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.