One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
This came to me in a dream.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
incredible google review i just found
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”