One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

@bourgeoisalien

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7 years ago

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

@robotrowboat

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8 years ago

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

@roastmalone_

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5 months ago

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

@amechamecha

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7 years ago

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

@fro_vo

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4 years ago

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

@ozzyunc

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2 years ago

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

@Carbosly

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11 years ago

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

@spochadoir

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10 months ago

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

@Bob_Janke

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1 year ago

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

@daemonic3

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11 years ago

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

@bautanist

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1 year ago

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”