Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.