One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I’m putting together a team
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho