One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”