One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet