One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Good lord
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
