One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
This pepper has seen some shit
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real