One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross