One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
SPLOOT
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons