Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.