Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.