One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.