One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The French cow says MEUX…
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did