one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
You Might Also Like
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Anyone want a chair?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
All. The. Damn. Time.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
when you are just born a rebel
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan