one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.