one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.