Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

@funTweeters

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.