One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free


You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.


One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.


old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online


Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.


I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁


Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.


No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.


when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”