One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

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You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.


My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.


Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.


New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.


So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.


Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”


good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich


*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”


People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how