You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?
Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how