@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

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@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@pondermymaker

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

@Ilovelamp1979

One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

@notnuthin

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

@liv_mckenzie_

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

@curlycomedy

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

@ShittyComedian

No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

@drborishabit

when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”