One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.