My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.