one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree

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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It






“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”


Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”


Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.


Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.


First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”


Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it


Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.


Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.


Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.





Me: *gets out of pool*