@KeetPotato

one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree

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@Brampersandon_

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It

was

nice

knowing

you

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@ragsy_

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@nevernicethings

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

@_troyjohnson

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

@Rlpihl

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

@IamEveryDayPpl

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

@t_cuppp

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*