One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
marvel comics have peaked
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.