One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.