One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The prophecy is fulfilled
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Still a very good boi….
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out