One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I鈥檓 starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that鈥檚 what i鈥檓 trying to do. poison them.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
lumberjacks will cut a birch
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
DOCTOR: It鈥檚 important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That鈥檚 really sweet but I鈥檓 married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING