One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving