One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.