One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Science memes
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.