One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.