One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
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Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Bloody internet 😳
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid