One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
You Might Also Like
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.