Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.