Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

The Others (2001)

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.