One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Nice try Hitler
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.