Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

idk flipping houses looks really hard

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Autocorrect is my menesis