Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.