One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.