One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’m not wrong
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller