Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Thinking about Jeff

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS