One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
They’re the worst 😩
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?