Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity