Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

podcasts

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs