One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last