One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
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What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.