Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

uncle dave has been through hell

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.