One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Tuesday
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
#catsoftwitter
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*