One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Velcrow
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve