Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens