Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Brb my Sims are getting married

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.