One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?