One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You Might Also Like
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Body by cheese-puffs.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.