One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
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A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
those birds must be on payroll
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress