One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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Nice try Hitler
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”