One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant