One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
#Caturday
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating