One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Life hack
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
😂🖐️
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate