Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’