One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
What about second breakfast?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.