One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…


Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*


Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.


“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup


Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.


People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.


My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.


What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.


The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.