Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Me: The nightstand.
i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”