One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

You Might Also Like


Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?


“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”


A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.


Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.


i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it


Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*


Jaws (2015):
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”