Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE