Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

monday

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.