One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
My love language is hissing.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.