One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Thaw me like one of your french fries
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*