One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?