(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Dudes named Chance never had one.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys