(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Drilling for oil is well boring.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Yes
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.