One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
💀
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something