One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*