Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…