one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
You Might Also Like
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Windows
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.