one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
A dad and his duck
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.