Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.