one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Employees must applaud the planets.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur