one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.