one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
lmao
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?