Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

mood

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)