one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
You Might Also Like
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
#merica
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.