Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

A woman drives into a bar.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*