one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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Check your privilege
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.