One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.