One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
? 💀
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Every house has this drawer
