Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.