One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
im gay on my mothers side
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
My fantasy football season is going great
