Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Blew my mind.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please